Warning, very long.
Josh focused on controlling his breathing. A trait he had picked up over the years to be able to deal with situations like this. It was difficult to accomplish keeping it steady and soft as the tie around his neck was constricting the already too tight white dress shirt underneath. Sweat dripped down his forehead and landed on his pressed suit, the summer heat with the added warmth of his layers of clothes was almost unbearable. He sat in the front row of the sparsely packed funeral home, so close to the body that he swore that he could smell the chemicals that had been used to preserve it for the ceremony.
“Out of place” Josh thought to himself. He didn't belong here. The man who lay in well lined wooden coffin that would be his bed for eternity was not his brother or his son. His mother had remarked before he left that he was much too young to have to attend a funeral. She meant it in a solemn way (she herself had attended her father's burial when she was twelve, more than four years younger than Josh) but he had taken it as a blow to his heart. Instead of feeling grief, anxiety was all that built in him as he drove his aged car. When he arrived he stepped out and took a moment to straighten out his freshly dry cleaned but two year old suit and check his watch. He was five minutes early. Josh didn't know much about funerals and took a moment to decide if he should go in or not. He managed to take a seat just as the ceremony was starting. He was slightly relieved by this because he didn't have to share any possible awkward conversations with the people who had gathered.
Josh finally had gotten his breathing under control and took the moment to glance around the room. There was a man standing at an altar a few feet away from him looking very stoic. He had been instructed in what to say by the family before hand and did not even have to try during his speech to keep the same tone of voice he had used when giving hundreds (“Maybe thousands.” Josh thought) of similar speeches to other grieving friends and families. To his left sat a girl, just a few years older than himself. Her make up, flowing, well kept, blond hair and choice of dress made Josh attracted to her even as she wept. The short skirt she had chosen for the occasion may have been inappropriate by her families standards but no one had scolded her for it and her thoughts were on the other topics. Josh had to make sure her bare thigh didn't brush against his, he knew if it did his teenage mind would drift away to a place it shouldn't be right now. He casually moved himself away from the seductive skin and used it as an opportunity to steal a look behind him.
Despite the many rows that filled the blank canvas of the room to its back only the first three were filled. Josh had considered sitting in one of the empty rows briefly, but didn't want to draw more attention to himself than necessary. Besides the girl sitting next to him he was the only one here under the age of twenty-five and he felt it. The men were nearly identical. Matching suits with clean, shaved faces that all shared the similar characteristics of dark hair and large foreheads. For a moment Josh entertained the idea that in the past large foreheads may have been used to crack open nuts and so forth before realizing that even thinking something like that at this moment was a taboo in itself. The women were equally similar to each other. They sat with their heads bowed in what would have appeared to be a silent prayer if not for the handkerchiefs pressed to their faces and the sobs that emanated from them, providing background to the speech that was still being presented. Without realizing it Josh turned his head to the right and began staring at the window. He had chosen this seat because it was the only one open when he arrived but found it now allowed him a brief moment of escape. He yearned to see what was outside but thick curtains held the light out except for the barest shimmer at its edges. Although he knew that the other people in the room were distracted and even if they did see him glancing away from everyone would take it as a sign of grief, a possible hiding of tears, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was somehow disrespectful.
Finally he turned his head back forward towards the coffin. Sitting on top of it laid a picture of the person inside of it. A frozen memory of him. It was a school picture and he was wearing a polo shirt and smiling in a way that only those close to him knew was fake. His lips were curled slightly upward to show his near perfect teeth, but when he really smiled his mouth opened wide and you could see his tongue wiggling. Josh couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't happening, that it was all just a dream. He imagined that if this was really happening he would be crying and screaming and wanting to hurt someone instead of sitting there quietly waiting for the ceremony to end. He might have not believed it if he hadn't seen the body as he walked to his seat. Kyle laid inside it, perfectly still with closed eyes and the same polo shirt on. Not even a fake smile for the camera broke his face.
Josh had met Kyle in the third grade when they were eight and the world to them seemed like it stretched no further than their home town. Josh remembered the year vividly as the year of his first major crush on a girl, the year he farted in the middle of class loudly but no one knew it was him, and the year where his mom first grounded him. Kyle and him had often reminisced about this time of their lives, about how stupid they had been and how the girls they liked, Katie Adams and Allie McCormick, were now “bitches they hated.” They had made other friends but over the years they had all become distant, either because their families moved away and the oaths to always be friends fell flat, they got into some fight that none of the parties involved could remember, or they just fell apart. The two of them stayed together though.
They went through the awkward stages of puberty together, each trying to one up each other at everything that was deemed important. When Josh heard Kyle had felt up a girl in one of the less used bathrooms during lunch when they were in seventh grade he made it his goal to lose his virginity before Kyle. He failed at this during their freshmen year of high school when one day after school Kyle came over to hang around in his basement. They sat in front of a T.V. that he had picked up at a thrift store along with a VCR half watching comedy movies. Occasionally the T.V. Would start to get fuzzy and Josh would get up and give it a smack. “Stupid piece of shit.” Josh said before sitting down again.
“Hey man, guess what?” Kyle said slightly turning his head towards Josh.
“What?” said Josh, quietly excited. Kyle rarely took the time to lead in to any of his stories with him unless they were particularly interesting.
“You know me and Danielle, right?” Kyle and Danielle had been dating for the past three months, and although this meant that Josh had to sit through moments were they were off in their own separate world he didn't mind her company and usually allowed Kyle to bring her along during their hang out sessions.
“Yeah man, of course.”
“Well last night her parents weren't home so she invited me over.”
“No shit?”
“Yeah, and well, we did it.” Josh looked over at Kyle and noticed the smug expression on his face.
“No fucking way?”
“Totally man.” They spent the rest of the afternoon going into intimate details. Even as the movie ended and the screen turned fully to static they sat talking on the stained couch. Kyle filled him in on everything he could and pressured Josh to find a girl of his own.
“It's awesome man. You gotta try it.”
“Fuck you, like I haven't been trying.”
Danielle and Kyle broke up two months after that. She began dating Jake, one of their old friends from third grade soon after that. There were no hard feelings at first but after awhile Josh could tell Kyle was still down about it after a few weeks. His attempts to find new girls for Kyle to take his mind off it wasn't going so well. He knew he had to do something. One day he skipped his last period and waited behind a near by 7-11 that he knew Jake had to walk by on his way home. If he remembered right Danielle couldn't walk with him because she always had dance practice on Wednesday. Josh waited slowly, watching other kids from his high school walk by. None of them noticed him as he pressed himself against the way. As he spotted Jake walking by he quickly darted out. With his headphones on Jake had no way of hearing him coming. With a quick punch to the back of the head Jake went down, and two strong kicks to the ribs later Josh was running as quickly as he could in the opposite direction.
Jake didn't come to school the next two days, and when he did after that he clutched his side every so often. His injuries were never mentioned in the school and Josh felt satisfied that he had gotten away with it. For days he toyed with the idea of telling Kyle what he had done, that in some small way he had avenged his sadness, but he could never find the right words. Eventually the memory of what he had done began to fade in and out of mind until he no longer felt the urge to tell anyone. Doing something for his best friend was reward enough, he didn't need to know, and besides, as far as he knew Jake hadn't told anyone what had happened, so Kyle wouldn't believe him. Every time Kyle called him a “pussy” however, he brought up the image of Jake clutching his side in class and gave him a wide grin.
The next few years seemed to fly by and before either of them knew it they were near the end of their junior year. Their experiences together had grown. Both of them had obtained a few short term girlfriends and their private explicit conversations had no longer been one sided. They had gotten drunk together for the first time at a party Josh's older brother had thrown. Although they didn't remember much the puke stain on the couch in the basement served as a constant reminder. Kyle had bought a bong off a senior at the school who was afraid his mom would find it when they went off to college. After which they spent their days in a smoke filled basement laughing constantly at small jokes that played on the new T.V. And DVD player Josh had managed to collect over the years.
Josh noticed that the man had finished his speech and snapped his attentiveness towards him. “Now,” The man began in a low and respectful voice “If you would like, you may file out and view Kyle.” Josh hesitated and waited until everyone else in the row had stood up. He wished he could wait until everyone else had gone by but instinctively went along with others sitting in the front with him. He noticed that most of the women stopped to stare at the body for a moment before bursting into tears again, the only exception being Kyle's sister, the beautiful shape that had been sitting next to Josh who took one glance and walked away without changing the expression on her face. Josh shook away in his head the memories of the times Kyle had referred to his sister as “The incredible she-bitch” and took his turn. He wished desperately that Kyle was smiling but knew they couldn't make that happen. Instead he shoved his hands in his pocket and hurried his way out into the reception area.
There were tables lined with small snacks and it appeared that people were making small talk. He was unprepared for this and did a hidden speed walk over some cheese on toothpicks. He shoved one in his mouth and stared around the room. He didn't recognize most of the people in the room or those shuffling in. Kyle's mother, father and sister were there, and he assumed that most of the others were other close family members or friends. By the time everyone had finished entering the room was filled with about thirty people conversing with each other while Josh hung by back by the food, stuffing his face so he wouldn't have to talk with anyone when he saw another picture of Kyle standing next to a plate of miniature sandwiches. In this one he was younger, before Josh met him. He was on a swing set smiling with his mouth filled with teeth. He looked like he was about to jump off and the excitement of it was almost over taking him.
It was near the end of their junior year, the week after prom Josh recalled, when he invited Kyle over after school. Although it was their near daily ritual Josh still asked as his way of finding out if Kyle was actually going to show up or if he would be waiting.
“So chill after school today?” Josh asked.
“I'm not sure I can man.”
“Why not?”
“I just got some stuff to do.”
“Don't bail on me for something lame man.”
“Like I said I just have some stuff to do.”
“Listen, I just got a big bag of some of the best shit I've ever smelled here in my pack. Are you telling me that whatever you have going on is more important that getting baked off our asses tonight?”
“Yeah man, it is, sorry.”
“Whatever man, I'll just have to enjoy this all by myself tonight.” Josh walked away and threw up a backwards peace sign behind his shoulder. A few hours later he was stuck to his couch with stale smoke heavy in the air and his eyes glazed over. He was just deciding if he had the energy to go to the kitchen and if it was worth possibly running into his mom who if she ever noticed the smell emanating from the basement never said anything when his phone began to buzz in his pocket. After struggling to fish it out of his jeans he saw that it was Kyle calling. He quickly flipped it open and held it to his ear. “So you did you finally decide not to be a bitch and come over?”
“Hey man” Kyle's voice was soft and low. Josh thought he sounded like he was high himself.
“What's up?”
“Not much” he drew out the “h” at the end until it was a whisper. “So guess what?”
“What?” Josh pulled some more smoke into his lungs and quickly exhaled.
“I stole a bunch of my dad's viocdine he gets for his back.”
“Shit man! Bring that stuff over and we'll get fucked up.”
“Sorry,” Kyle sounded like he was on the verge of crying. “I took them all.”
“What?” Josh was in a stunned haze of pot and shock. “What happened?”
“I just took them all.”
“How many?”
“I don't know, thirty maybe.”
“What the fuck man?” Josh began to say more but Kyle interrupted before he could get a word out.
“I'm gonna die man.” silence echoed from the phone and seemed to fill the room Josh was in.
“Why?”
“I don't wanna talk about it man, I just called to say goodbye. Don't do anything about it, trust me. I know you're probably blazed right now, so just sit there for a few hours and everything will work out.” Kyle seemed eerily calm and Josh couldn't help but think this was some elaborate prank he was getting subjected to for getting high without him.
“Whatever you say man.”
“Cool. Well,” Kyle paused to take a deep breath, “goodbye.”
“Goodbye man.” Josh hesitated until the line went empty. He put his phone back into his pocket and switched on the T.V. After surfing through a few channels he found an old cartoon him and Kyle used to walk and began to smoke some more.
Kyle's mom walked up to Josh and broke his ability to stay silent. “I'm so glad you could make it dear.” She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his limp body close. Josh felt weird but knew he couldn't resist. “I know Kyle would be so happy to have you hear.” her tears dripped onto the back of Josh's jacket.
“I'm glad I could be here.” he offered as she let go and gave him a smile that seemed to take all her energy to muster. She turned to walk away and suddenly Josh felt his eyes began to swell up. He quickly dashed outside and sat on the steps that lead down from the building to a sidewalk next to a busy street. He tried to focus on cars flying by but couldn't see them well through the water that flowing out his eyes and onto the concrete below him. He turned his head upwards towards the smoky clouds and watched as they drifted across the sky. He thought back to that day when he kicked Jake in the ribs and wondered if Kyle had any idea of what had happened. He dried his tears on his sleeve, kicked the step with the back of his heel and headed back inside.
