Josh focused on his breathing, a skill he'd picked up over the years to deal with stressful situations. Sitting next to a girl he might have been in love with, a tie constricting his neck with a too tight white dress shirt underneath it was stressful enough, never mind being at your best friend's funeral. Josh mulled that over in his head. He was at his best friend's funeral. He wondered if people would fault him for not using the past tense yet. Kyle was still his best friend even if they would never see each other again.
His invitation had been swiftly delivered. Only two days since they had found his body laying cold and solitary on his bed. The story had been relayed through Josh's mother. She told him with tears in her eyes how Kyle's mother had gone to tell him he was late for school when she found him. Josh's mom had held him close after she had let the news out. Her own tears for the loss she was sure her son must have felt swarmed onto Josh's shoulder, soaking through the fabric and chilling his skin.
That morning, while Josh was getting ready for the funeral, his mother, who was helping him look his best, told him he was too young to have to attend a funeral. Josh kept his mouth shut, knowing that bringing up how when she was fourteen, two years younger than him, she had to attend his grandfathers funeral after he passed away would replace her sympathy with something more akin to sorrow or anger. As soon as she had finished moving the lint roller down the last portion of his pants Josh rushed out the door. He stepped into his beat-up sedan and raced towards the funeral home. He fiddled with the stereo most of the way there, debating whether listening to music at a time like this was appropriate.
He arrived five minutes earlier than the time that had been passed along to his mother. Reaching down to tie his shoes one more time Josh debated if it was okay to head in now or not. Eventually he decided early was better than late for this sort of thing. Walking in he found himself to be one of the last ones expected and was rushed along to the large room where the event was taking place. It was what would have popped into Josh's head if someone had mentioned a room where a funeral might take place. It was painted a color just a little off of white and had a smell reminiscent of potpourri. Large windows lined one long side of the room but were covered with thick curtains letting only the slightest amount of light through. The highlight of the room was at the front, a low height podium and an open coffin just barely obscuring the view of who was inside. A low murmur filled the room from the large amount of individuals sitting solemnly. Josh quickly surveyed the area looking for a suitable place to sit. The back rows were empty but he felt sitting there would draw too much attention. A quietness fell over the room and it appeared to Josh that the ceremony was about to begin. He quickly took the closest seat to him, landing in the last seat in the front row.
Next to him sat a blond girl just a few years older than him. She was Kyle's sister Catherine, and even at a funeral her body made the dress she was wearing seductive to Josh. It was a deep black and seemed to be left over from some previous event where the amount of skin it showed was acceptable. The neck of the dress dipped perilously close to the crease of her breasts and it's lower portion stopped so just enough thigh was visible to drive Josh crazy. He scrunched himself away from her knowing that if he touched her flesh his mind would drift off and never come back. He held his breath for a moment and than began to focus on a slow rhythm of inhale-exhale. While Josh centered his mind a man stood up at the front of the room and began to speak from behind the podium. The man began a speech about life and death and how all good things must come to pass and Josh averted his eyes. Josh knew that the man (who he assumed from the white collar pressed around his neck was a Priest of some sort) had given the same words of comfort too many times from the stoic look on the Priests face and his numbness in his voice.
Josh refused to listen to him say these things about someone he had never even met and averted his gaze towards the other members of the room. He made sure to avoid the allure of Catherine as he studied those around him. It was quickly apparent that he and Catherine were the only ones in the room under twenty-five. The men in the room were nearly identical, matching suits, clean shave, with dark hair and a large forehead. For a moment Josh entertained the idea that in the past large foreheads may have been used to crack nuts. He shook himself out of his fantasy when he noticed the women in the room. They were sitting with their heads bowed in what would have looked like a silent prayer if not for the handkerchiefs pressed to their faces, their sobs.
With nothing left to look at and the Priest showing no signs of finishing Josh's eyes landed on the coffin he had been avoiding glaring at. On top of it sat a picture of Kyle. A frozen memory of him. A school picture; he wore a polo shirt and smiled in a way that only Josh knew was fake, lips curled slightly upward to show his near perfect teeth. When he really smiled his mouth opened wide and you could see his tongue wiggling. Josh couldn't shake the feeling that this all wasn't happening. That he was having a bad dream, in some sort of strange coma or that he had been the one that had actually died. He imagined that if it wasn't he would have been angry, or crying, or doing anything besides sitting quietly and waiting for a man he didn't know to finish talking.
Josh had met Kyle in the third grade, when they were eight and the world seemed to stretch no further than their small town of Winthrop. It was the year of Josh's first major crush on a girl, the year he farted in the middle of class but no one knew it was him, and the year when his mom first grounded him for swearing. Kyle and he had often reminisced about this time of their lives, about how stupid they had been and how the girls they liked, Katie Adams and Allie McCormick, were now “bitches they hated” (Josh would never admit that he still smiled whenever he passed Katie in the halls.)
They had made other friends but over the years they had all become distant, either because their families had moved away and the oaths to always be friends full flat, they got into some fight that none of the parties involved would ever recall out loud, or they just fell apart. The two of them managed to stick together through it all. They were always on the same sides in fights and were lucky that their parents had steady jobs in downtown Winthrop so they never had to move. They'd gone through the awkward stages of puberty together, each trying to one up each other at everything important. In seventh grade, when Josh heard Kyle had felt up a girl in one of the less used bathrooms during lunch he made it his goal to lose his virginity before Kyle. He failed.
One day Freshman year Josh and Kyle were sitting in Josh's basement, spending their afternoon in front of a T.V. Josh had picked up at a thrift store along with a VCR half-watching comedy movies. The basement was sparsely decorated, the walls were gray concrete and besides the dusty, ancient couch Josh had begged his parents to let him take downstairs the only decoration was a washing machine. Occasionally the T.V. would start to get fuzzy and Josh would get up and give it a smack. “Stupid piece of shit,” Josh said before sitting down on his side of the couch opposite from Kyle.
“Hey man, guess what?” Kyle said.
“What?” said Josh, quietly excited. Kyle rarely took the time to lead in to any of his stories with him unless they were particularly interesting.
“You know me and Danielle, right?” Kyle and Danielle had been dating for three months, and although this meant that Josh had to sit through moments where they were off on their own adventures he didn't mind her company and usually allowed Kyle to bring her along when they did anything together.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Well last night her parents weren't home so she invited me over.”
“No shit?”
“Yeah, and well, we did it.” Josh looked over at Kyle and noticed the smug expression on his face.
“No fucking way?”
“Totally.” Kyle spent the rest of the afternoon describing the details to an eagerly listening Josh. Even as the movie ended and the screen turned fully to static they sat talking on the stained couch. Kyle described how they had been making out on her bed when he began to slide his fingers under her skirt. He had touched her gently and rubbed her small breast through her tank top with his other hand. Despite the fact that she had told him the day before that she wasn't ready for sex yet, she removed her underwear and began pawing at the zipper on Kyle's jeans. He described how it felt as he plunged inside of her again and again until they were both exhausted. While Kyle filled him in on all the pleasures he had discovered he pressured Josh to find a girl of his own.
“It's awesome. You gotta try it.”
“Fuck you, like I haven't been trying.”
Danielle and Kyle broke up two months after that. She began dating Sam, one of their old friends from third grade. There seemed to be no hard feelings at first, things progressed with Josh and Kyle as they always had. After a few weeks however, Kyle seemed to be more depressed than before. Josh tried to set him up with other girls and he was more than happy to try, but he seemed inconsolable. Time seemed to be the thing he needed and Josh tried to give it to him, until one day a few more weeks after. He had been walking down the hallways at school towards English class when he heard some girls giggling. He had always been distracted by that noise and slowed down to get as much as their conversation as he could and he noticed it was Danielle and some of her girl friends. Although they spoke softly and privately he managed to make out the words “Josh” and “has a cock smaller than a hamster” come from the mouth of Danielle.
For the first time Josh knew what rage felt like. He sat in English class and refused to pay attention. Instead he needed some way to avenge his friend without letting Kyle know what they had laughed about. The next day Josh skipped last period and waited behind a near by 7-11 that he knew Sam walked by on his way home. He waited patiently and pressed himself up against the stone wall next to a dumpster, watching other kids walk by. None of them seemed to notice him. As he spotted Sam walking by he quickly darted out. With his headphones on and turned up so loud that Josh could hear them there was no way he could have known he was coming. Josh took the first swing he had ever thrown in his life at the back of Sam's head. Sam fell to the ground fast and with a thud. Adrenalin pumped through Josh as he pulled his leg back and gave him a hard kick to the ribs. A grin appeared over Josh's face and he kicked him once more before bolting from the scene as fast as he could. When he finally made it home he caught his breath and began to process what he had done. He surprised himself at how at peace he was with it. He knew he had hurt Sam, and probably bad, but he felt it was justified in a way he couldn't describe.
Sam didn't come to school the next two days. When he did, he clutched his side every so often. Josh listened to the gossip echoing through the social circles at school and it didn't seem like anyone knew Sam had gotten hurt. Josh reasoned with himself that it would probably hurt Sam's reputation if he went around telling people he had gotten sucker punched outside a convenience store, and felt content that he had gotten away with it. For days he toyed with the idea of telling Kyle what he had done, that he had been avenged, but he could never find a way to say it that wouldn't hurt Kyle in some way. Eventually he dropped this idea and decided it would be his own prideful sin. Josh figured that since Sam had kept it so under wraps that Kyle wouldn't even believe him but every time Kyle called him a pussy Josh brought to mind the image of Sam clutching his side on the ground.
Time passed and without fanfare the end of Josh and Kyle's junior year grew close. Few memories were able to reach deep enough inside of Josh to stay with him the way the day with Sam had. Both Kyle and Josh had obtained a few short term girlfriends and their private explicit conversations had no longer been one sided. They had gotten drunk together for the first time at a party Josh's older brother had thrown. Although they didn't remember much, the puke stain on the couch in the basement served as a constant reminder. Kyle had bought a bong off a senior at the school who was afraid his mom would find it when they went off to college. They spent their days in a smoke filled basement laughing constantly at small jokes that played on the new T.V. and DVD player Josh had managed to collect over the years. They spoke about college and what they would do past that. Josh had no doubt at the time that the two would grow older and their children would one day be friends like they had been.
Josh noticed the priest had finished his speech and snapped his attention towards him. “Now,” the priest began in a low and respectful voice, “if you would like, you may file out and view Kyle” Josh hesitated, waited until everyone else in the row had stood. He wish he could wait until everyone else had gone by, until he could have a moment alone with Kyle, give him the respect he deserved, but instinctively went along with the others sitting in the front with him. He noticed most of the women stopped to stare the body for a moment before bursting into tears again, the only exception being Catherine who took in one glance and walked away without changing the expression on her face. Josh shook away Kyle referring to his sister as “The incredible she-bitch” and took his turn. Looking at Kyle's face flowed back into his head all the times they had spent together. All the times they had shared some event like a birthday or failing the same test and even the times they had spent all weekend doing nothing together and loving it. He wished desperately that he could tell Kyle something that would help everything make sense but no words came to mind. Instead he shoved his hands in his pockets and hurried his way out into the reception area.
Tables were lined with small snacks, people were making small talk. Josh was unprepared to have to talk with people. He picked Catherine out of the crowd and made sure to avoid her glance as he hurried towards a platter of cheese on toothpicks. He shoved one in his mouth and stared around the room. He didn't recognize most of the people in the room or those shuffling in. Kyle's mother and father were there with Catherine, and Josh assumed that most of the others were close family members too. Josh's mom had mentioned that they were keeping the funeral small and to not invite anyone else from school, even though Josh wasn't sure he could have found anyone to come who wouldn't have just been there out of respect. By the time everyone entered, the room was filled with about thirty people conversing with each other while Josh hung back by the food, stuffing his face so he wouldn't have to talk with anyone who might come up to him. While eying up a plate of miniature sandwiches Josh noticed another picture of Kyle. It was from before he and Josh had met. Kyle was on a swing set smiling, mouth filled with teeth. He looked like he was about to jump off, the excitement was almost overtaking him.
Near the end of their junior year Kyle had dropped a bombshell on him. “Catherine thinks you're cute.” He said in between alternating mouthfuls of chips and smoke.
“Really?” Josh asked, “How do you know?”
“She said so.”
“Wow.” Josh managed to squeak out. Catherine had been his second major crush and he had never let Kyle in on that little secret, figuring it was better left forgotten.
“Don't get any bright ideas you fucker, she's my sister.” Kyle shot Josh the best dirty look he could with his half-glazed over and bloodshot eyes.
Josh had been caught up in his own little fantasy. He imagined Catherine in an outfit of white lingerie, laying on her bed and beckoning him to take her. Upon hearing Kyle call him a fucker he snapped out of his trance. “Maybe I'll be your new brother!” He joked, jabbing Kyle in the ribs slightly.
“I thought you had better taste in women than that.” Despite his teasing language, Josh felt this was a touchy subject for Kyle and let it drop. That night Josh fell asleep to dreams of Catherine.
Three weeks had passed and Josh felt it was time that the joke continue. Although it was a near daily routine Josh still asked Kyle every day if he was going to come over. He made his way to Kyle's locker where he was putting a few last minute things away before the final period of the day.
“So chill after school today?” Josh asked.
“Sure man,” Kyle answered “I could use it today.”
“Maybe we should chill at your house. If your sister is home maybe I can work on making you an uncle.” The widest smile imaginable spread across Josh's face as he contained his laughter.
“Man, fuck you.” Kyle said slamming the door of his locker close.
“Aw man, come on.”
“Fuck off man.”
“Whatever!” Josh had never seen Kyle been so touchy on a subject. Usually he would stay mad about something for a few days and then start taking it as a joke. He figured Kyle would need a few more days and then they could laugh about it. Josh spent the night stuck to his couch alone, and with no one to share his time with, went to bed early.
Josh had gotten about forty five minutes of sleep when his phone began to ring loudly and jerked him awake. He stared at his caller ID for a few moments as his eyes adjusted to the light shining from it. It was Kyle. “What the fuck does he want?” Josh murmured under his breath as he picked up the phone. “Hello?” he offered.
“Hey dude,” answered Kyle, elongating the “e” at the end of “dude”
“What's up? This better be fucking important.”
Kyle gave a hearty laugh. “Nah man, it's not. I just wanted to apologize about acting like a bitch today.” Kyle's voice sounded like it was coming from far away for a reason Josh couldn't put his finger on.
“It's cool.”
“So are we chill?”
“Yeah, we're chill.”
“Cool” The phone drifted off into silence for a few moments.
“Well, I'm going back to sleep.”
“Okay.”
“I'll see you later.”
“Yeah,” Kyle's voice hesitated for a few seconds, “I'll see you later.” The next morning Josh's mom had picked him up at school during first period, she managed to hold in her tears until they made it home and she told him the news.
“Kyle took some pills last night” she said, “they didn't make it in time. He,” She choked on her own words. “He passed away.”
Kyle's Mom approached Josh. “I'm so glad you could make, dear.” She gave Josh a hug and pulled his limp body close. Josh felt weird, he didn't deserve that closeness, but he knew he couldn't resist. “I know Kyle would be so happy to have you here.” Her tears dripped onto the back of Josh's jacket.
“I'm glad I could be here,” he offered as she let go and gave him a smile that seemed to stretch muscles in her face that had grown weak from disuse. She turned to walk away and suddenly Josh felt his eyes begin to well up. He dashed outside and sat on the steps that led down from the building to a sidewalk next to a busy street. He tried to focus on cars flying by but couldn't see them well through his tears. He looked up toward the smoky clouds, watched as they drifted across the sky. He thought back to the day when he kicked Sam in the ribs and wondered if Kyle had any idea it had happened. He dried his tears on his sleeve, kicked the step with his heel and headed back inside. He had to decide who he would tell first, Kyle's mother or Catherine.
